The One Fingered Salute

Heads are being scratched at the Frinkton Corps (HTD) as the scriptural command to bear one another’s burdens has been followed in a most unusual way.

The strange tale began at last week’s Sunday evening Salvation Meeting, when Major Abraham Jones gave an appeal following his address. One of the Sunday night regulars, a homeless man known only as Eric, went forward to kneel at the Mercy Seat, as was his usual practice.

Major Jones recounted the events to The Salute.

“This one particular night I was eager to get home to watch a game of football. When Eric comes to pray everything is held up, and when I saw him stumbling forward my impatience got the better of me, and I said, “Eric, you must leave your burden at the Mercy Seat. Don’t pick it up again and take it with you!”

“Eric knelt to pray as usual. He doesn’t normally like anyone going to pray with him, so I instructed the congregation to keep singing the song—I Surrender All, I think it was. I felt bad for saying what I said to Eric, so when the next verse finished, I asked if anyone else had a burden to bring to the Lord.

“At that moment two things happened. First, young Jonah Dolittle got up to come and pray. Second, Eric leapt up from the Mercy Seat, shouted, “Hallelujah!” and went back to his seat. He was standing tall and walked straight. The smell was gone. He was a new man! He’d done as I told him—he’d left his burden at the Mercy Seat!”

There are conflicting accounts as to what happened next. As far as The Salute can ascertain, Mr Dolittle, a recently-graduated architect, knelt to pray. Major Jones asked the pianist to play O Save Me, Dear Lord! and directed the Corps Sergeant Major, Brother Tom Henderson, to come forward to pray with Mr Dolittle.

Mr Henderson made his way to the Mercy Seat, but when he got there, Mr Dolittle stood up. His transformation was as stark and complete as Eric’s. “His face looked grey, he was hunched over and he looked twenty years older than when he went forward,” Mr Henderson reports. “And the stench! The only person I remember ever smelling that bad was Eric!”

At that moment Eric yelled, “Put it back boy! That’s my burden! You leave it there!”

Confusion took hold. Several people ran forward to check on Mr Dolittle’s wellbeing, but he ignored them all and headed out of the hall and into a nearby tavern. Eric, seeing more people head towards the front of the hall ran back to the Mercy Seat in order to stop more people kneeling and picking up any burden left behind by Mr Dolittle.

On top of all this the pianist, who is reportedly a terrible sight-reader, finally found the music to what turned out to be a completely unfamiliar song.

Major Jones says the evening wasn’t a complete loss. “It was a strange night alright. At least Eric’s got himself saved. Perhaps next week I’ll actually get to watch the footy!”

Allegations of a cover-up have left Salvation Army leadership in damage control after a leaked memo was published on a social media site.

The memo, which has since been taken down from the site but seen by The Salute, concerns the color of pantyhose worn by female officers and soldiers. After several paragraphs of prefatory material which laid out a theological and historical framework for the color requirement, the memo explained that stockings must be ‘Midnight Slate’ and that other colors are not approved for formal use.

Questions have been raised about the private nature of the communiqué, which was marked ‘Confidential to officers. Internal document only.’ The memo also stated that it wasn’t for public discussion, including posting to social media of any sort.

However, a copy of the memo was posted on the social media website Facebook but soon taken down. The poster, who is not an officer but wishes to remain anonymous, simply said that they were wrong to make such a divisive document available for public discussion. “I guess Facebook isn’t the best place to discuss the Army’s dirty laundry—or its color,” she said.

The comment thread following the original posting of the memo went into overdrive when the memo was deleted. Some commenters were angry that it had disappeared. Others were angry that it had been posted in the first place. One commenter observed that there is

…a polarity in the Army over the stocking color issue. Conservatives prefer the more traditional ‘Buloxi Gray.’ Liberal folks tend to favor ‘Deepest Onyx’. THQ have worked hard to find a suitable middle-ground and given good reasons for the choice. We should just accept it and get back to arguing about gay marriage.

Another commenter wasn’t so sure.

Theres got to be more to it than that. C’mon I’ve seen those stockings THEIR IDENTICAL. The difference isnt the COLOR its the BRAND. Somebodie’s profitting here and they dont want us to see. FOLLOW THE $$MONEY$$ PEOPLE!!

Whilst accusations and allegations have started to bunch up more than a pair of 10-denier thigh-highs during a summer rainstorm, Army leadership have remained silent about the issue, choosing only to release the following statement after several requests:

The Salvation Army respects that there are many viewpoints regarding the uniform and approved accessories. Internal discussion about suitable styles and colors is ongoing and we expect that any concerns will be discretely communicated to our Personnel Department via the usual channels.

THQ has declined requests for further comment.